Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.
Bette Davis

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Benjamin Franklin

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!
Milton Berle

Carpe per diem – seize the check.
Robin Williams

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”.
Milton Berle

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.
Lily Tomlin

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.
Mark Twain

A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
W.C. Fields

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.
Oscar Wilde

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
Roseanne Barr

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
mae West

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Carl Sandburg

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W.C. Fields

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
George Burns

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Albert Einstein

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Robert Frost

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
Winston Churchill

God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
Benjamin Franklin

Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water!
Eleanor Roosevelt

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
Isaac Asimov

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
Milton Berle

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Robert McCLoskey

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

A word to the wise ain’t necessary — it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Jerry Seinfeld

There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics
Benjamin Disraeli

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
Gilda Radner

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Albert Einstein

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

Introducing ‘Lite’ – The new way to spell ‘Light’, but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Jerry Seinfeld