Funny Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
Albert Einstein

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.
Bette Davis

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Benjamin Franklin

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!
Milton Berle

Carpe per diem – seize the check.
Robin Williams

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”.
Milton Berle

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you’re still a rat.
Lily Tomlin

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.
Mark Twain

A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
W.C. Fields

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.
Oscar Wilde

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
Roseanne Barr

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
mae West

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Carl Sandburg

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W.C. Fields

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
George Burns

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Albert Einstein

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Robert Frost

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
Winston Churchill

God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
Benjamin Franklin

Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water!
Eleanor Roosevelt

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
Isaac Asimov

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
Milton Berle

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Robert McCLoskey

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

A word to the wise ain’t necessary — it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Jerry Seinfeld

There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics
Benjamin Disraeli

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
Gilda Radner

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Albert Einstein

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

Introducing ‘Lite’ – The new way to spell ‘Light’, but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Jerry Seinfeld

Cute Quotes

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M Schutz

Oh, I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 10 people at a time!
Drew Barrymore

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?
Tom Snyser

I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
Jim Loy

Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
Sean Williamson

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
Paul Harvey

Be yourself. Who else is better qualified.
Frank Giblin II

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
Cher

I can last two months on a good compliment.
Mark Twain

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol

The leader has to be practical and a realist, yet must talk the language of the visionary and the idealist.

Eric Hoffer

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the ‘War on Jobs.’
Craig Kilborn

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’
Joe Nameth

It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.
Agathie Christie

All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.
Michael Carr

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.
Lily Tomlin

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Benjamin Franklin

Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.
Niccolo Machiavelli

There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs.
Author Unknown

Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
Lionel Barrymore

If you must tell me your opinions, tell me what you believe in. I have plenty of doubts of my own.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.
Erica Jong

A peacock who rests on its feathers is just another turkey.
Dolly Parton

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.
Linus Pauling

Friendship Quotes

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
Kahlil Gibran

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.
Euripides

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
Aristotle

“The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?”
Henry David Thoreau

But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
Mohammed Ali

“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.”
Walt Whitman

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.”
Goethe

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.
Alice Walker

It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business.
Mahatma Gandhi

“Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” Mark Twain

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
Anaïs Nin

“Friendship is essentially a partnership.”
Aristotle

“True friendship’s laws are by this rule express’d, Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.”
Alexander Pope

Silence is the true friend that never betrays.
Confucius

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.
Henry David Thoreau

Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.
Aristotle

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.”
C.S. Lewis

“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.”
Aristotle

All love that has not friendship for its base, Is like a mansion built upon the sand.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

“We do not so much need the help of our friends as the confidence of their help in need.”
Epicurus

There is nothing we like to see so much as the gleam of pleasure in a person’s eye when he feels that we have sympathized with him, understood him. At these moments something fine and spiritual passes between two friends. These are the moments worth living.
Don Marquis

“Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness…”
Richard Bach

“You cannot be friends upon any other terms than upon the terms of equality.”
Woodrow Wilson

It is difficult to say who do you the most mischief: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.
E.R. Bulwer-Lytton

Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success.
Oscar Wilde

Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anybody else in the world.
Eleanor Roosevelt

“Every man passes his life in the search after friendship.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.
Henry David Thoreau

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.
Katherine Mansfield

“A faithful friend is the medicine of life.”
Apocrypha

Perhaps the most delightful friendships are those in which there is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking
George Eliot

“The making of friends, who are real friends, is the best token we have of a man’s success in life.”
Edward Everett Hale 

The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?
Henry David Thoreau

It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship.
Henry Ward Beecher

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Mark Twain

The bird a nest the spider a web the human friendship.
William Blake

But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.
Thomas Jefferson

It seems to me that trying to live without friends is like milking a bear to get cream for your morning coffee. It is a whole lot of trouble, and then not worth much after you get it.
Zora Neale Hurston

“Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes

A true friend is the most precious of all possessions and the one we take the least thought about acquiring.
La Rochefoucauld

“A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Mark Twain:

Friendship is to be purchased only by friendship. A man may have authority over others, but he can never have their hearts but by giving his own.
Thomas Wilson

It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business.
Mohandas K. Gandhi

Of all the things which wisdom provides to make life entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship.
Epicurus

Friendship should be surrounded with ceremonies and respects, and not crushed into corners. Friendship requires more time than poor busy men can usually command.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.
Abraham Lincoln

We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend
Robert Louis Stevenson

How does one keep from “growing old inside”? Surely only in community. The only way to make friends with time is to stay friends with people…. Taking community seriously not only gives us the companionship we need, it also relieves us of the notion that we are indispensable.
Robert McAfee Brown

“Friends show their love in times of trouble…”
Euripides

We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends.
Sir Francis Bacon

Always set high value on spontaneous kindness. He whose inclination prompts him to cultivate your friendship of his own accord will love you more than one whom you have been at pains to attach to you.
Samuel Johnson

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Consult your friend on all things, especially on those which respect yourself. His counsel may then be useful where your own self-love might impair your judgment.
Seneca

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